The other day, the seven-year-old daughter of a friend of mine asked me, “Can you watch movies on your phone?” That’s such an odd question to me. Why would anybody want to watch a movie on a phone? How can you enjoy the intended film experience with a tiny little phone screen and crappy sound? Are you going to walk around the mall watching a movie? Or maybe you want to watch the movie while you’re standing in line to buy tickets to see the movie; just to get a head start? I answered her simply, “No.  I don’t have a fancy phone.

I have a flip phone. You know, the kind that old people use? The cheap one you can buy at 7-Eleven for $19.99. I pay T-Mobile $30 a month for talk/text service because I only call and text. I don’t need unlimited data/internet on my phone.

I’m a relic.  I’m in full acceptance of this fact.  If you can fondly remember life without cell phones, you’re probably one, too.  Here are a few of the common traits we share:

1. Resistance to texting. I’m getting better, but my response to  “idk wht 2 do 2nite” is to call you and say, “What?”  To me, it’s much more satisfying for me to have an actual conversation than to text, wait, text back, wait. That’s too disjointed and irritating.

2. Refusal to post pics. Why do people feel the need to post random bits of their lives on instagram? Whose life is really that interesting? I understand you want to share those special little moments with the world, but I don’t need to see pics of what you’re eating for dinner. If you really want to share, call me and invite me over.

3. Dismissal of GPS. We all got around just fine before there was GPS. I plan my trip before I leave and make a mental image of directions, turns, etc. It’s sad that there are so many idiots walking around who can’t even find their way around the corner without the little GPS lady telling them, “Turn right in five feet.” For heaven’s sake, learn to read a fucking map, dude.

Yes, relish the relic!  I’m not the only one. There are millions of us out there lurking in the shadows.  Don’t worry, one day we’ll all be gone and the rest of you can walk around with your heads buried in your phones, virtually bumping into each other as you virtually walk down the street watching a virtual movie.  “Caution, human being in front of you.  Bear to the left.