I need a new man. There, I said it. I am speaking him into existence.

I’ve spent enough time soul-searching. I know who I am and I know what I want. I’ve come to terms with two marriages, two divorces, and a string of bad relationships. I’ve done the inner work and won’t be making the same mistakes.

While I love my independence, I’m tired of being alone. I want someone to snuggle with, have fun with, debate with. I want a man who understands me, or at least tries to. I know I can be…um…difficult.

I may be lonely, but I’m not desperate.  I have standards. So, while I’m speaking to the Universe, I’ll pass along a few words to any potential mates. Here goes:

1. You need to have at least 27 teeth in your mouth for me to take you seriously. I can see missing a few, but if the whole top row of the right side of your mouth is a bare, toothless gum, what the fuck is up with that?

2. You can not be on medication. Taking toxic blood pressure pills while you scarf down your equally toxic Burger King jumbo meal is ridiculous. Saying you have a bad heart when you won’t even walk two blocks to the store is just sad. Get off the pills; tell your drug-pushing doctor you are going into rehab.

3. You have to be able to hold an intelligent conversation. I’m an Aquarian girl. Stimulate my mind and I will be putty in your hands. If your idea of deep dialogue is comparing Trump to Obama, I’m bored already.

4. I love to cook and bake and I eat a variety of foods. If you are a vegan or vegetarian who looks down on lowly meat eaters, boy bye! I love raw broccoli, carrots, cucumbers, and kale, but I will be having a juicy burger on home-made bread along with my crunchy veggies.

5. I don’t watch TV. I don’t own a TV and don’t have cable. So, you coming over and occupying my couch for hours to watch some obviously-rigged game is not even a remote possibility. Sorry.

6. I love music, books, writing, dancing, and other creative, human things. I’m not saying we have to like the same things, but there has to be some commonality.

7. I don’t have a car and walk pretty much everywhere. If you get out of breath walking to your mailbox, we’ll both be frustrated.

8. I’m a moderate cigarette smoker. I’m not a chain smoker, but I do enjoy smoking. If you don’t want to deal with that, fine. But, don’t say it doesn’t matter and then constantly nag me about quitting.

9. If you don’t keep your word, you won’t keep me. I can understand that sometimes life gets in the way of our plans, but I won’t tolerate habitual liars. I want a man who is honest with me, with himself, and with the world.

10. I am, to use my father’s words, “bull-headed.” In my words, I’m a strong-willed woman. I live from my heart and I love deeply. At the same time, I’m goofy and silly and don’t take things too seriously. I’m a walking oxymoron and I’m ok with that.

11. I’m a singer. Performing brings me joy. Don’t come to my gig acting like a damn jealous fool. Ever.

12. I love sex. Some men my age seem to be struggling. Maybe it’s the medication. That’s all I’m gonna say about that. 🙂

Am I expecting too much? Well, you know what they say, you get what you expect!

Ok, Universe, bring it!